1. room with a view

i sit in the corner quietly screaming, my knees and teeth intimate friends, i belong to the doctor medically, these six white sides belong to me. thinking makes it worse and i cannot stop, the drugs that they give me are lollipops, one in the morning and three at night, at this rate i know i will never be right.
the silence is deafening, every movement is frightening, that old man gives me a heart attack, but be brings me my beautiful prozack back.
i drew a window with my fingernail, the glass mists up when i try to exhale, i can see the sea if i stand on my toes, i can smell salt when i wiggle my nose. i could tie a rope if i had my clothes.

2. 1982/01/01

it was my birthday today and nobody knew, anything's better than telling the truth. i'm just causing trouble so they sent me away. no one cares i'm alive, so why should i too?
thinking back...exactly one year to the day, i was in the bath watching amazing blood and veins, staring at my wrists, mine, all mine. i made that happen, suddenly light-headed, i'm dying.
oh shit! this is serious i'm going to get hit, i'm in trouble, it hurts, now it's all different.
i hate drugs, never tried, i don't drink and don't smoke, now they force them down my throat, up shit creek and i don't have a boat.
but that red ecstacy that poured over my hands, it gave me more love than what i could withstand, now it's do this, and eat that, and go to sleep now, get better, yes, doctor, but how the fuck how?

3. nurse betty

they changed my changer of cute little pills, she won't say her name and she's hard. her face is quite red, when i'm lying on the bed, her nose looks like a gun and it's cocked, there's a little white scar above her left eye, so like me she's imperfect and marred.
i like to test her, she thinks i'm insane. if you lived here, you'd also be brain-dead and crushed. she told me she wants to help me get well, so i challenge her help with my own little stunt and ask her blunt questions to make her blush,
it's mean, but hell what a rush! do you think i'm mean to ask her her age and how many women she's fucked? when she undressed me her hands lingered and stopped, she told me i looked like a movie star she'd seen with her ex at the cinema. i didn't mind, i guess, first action i've had here i have to confess, if only my hands were not tied to the bed i'd play with my nurse, not my wrists instead.
yes, i guess i'm here for a reason - a nymphomaniac maybe, clinically depressed, not a good combination when they make me get undressed every chance they get. what am i supposed to do? sneak into the office type a letter or two...

4. woolly jumper

keiran threw herself out the window, her braces fell out of her mouth. hours later nobody had noticed, except me watching her lying on the ground, jerking, moving slightly. come and help please! her long brown hair blowing in clumps in the breeze, i shouted at the guard that keiran had jumped, but he ignored this crazy girl in this white padded room, how she got through the bars had everyone stumped, maybe she was thinner than what we assumed.
men finally arrived and cleaned her away with a broom. i don't feel like talking too much. or i do, i don't know.
if you're going to cross the river, kick the bucket, retire in bed, blow the final horn, end it all, then fuck it, don't throw yourself out the window, don't use a razor or a gun or a knife, there's far cleaner ways of ending your life, like becoming a nurse, i swear she is worse than any razor's edge.
i liked her at first but she just doesn't give a fuck, "i want to help you i want to help you"
betty shut up shut up shut up shut up... if you want to help me then don't try to own me. don't talk to me unless you want to know me. me.
have you ever dropped a water balloon from the top of your house? except water balloons don't stay alive for hours, you know. only the patients feel any sorrow, the doctors go about their day. you tell me who is really insane now.

5. ...

they never clean under my bed, it's home to some spiders and bugs, late at night when the power is dead i slip underneath to the hole i have dug. it's only 4 inches deep so far, i smuggled a spoon in my mouth. ripped some wire from nurse betty's guitar...spinning the spoon like a bushman would wood with the wire the spoon cracks the concrete quite good. i have to eat the grey flaked dust or somone would notice and i would be bust. i'm sick constantly but it's better than pain, my bleached white gown is constantly stained.
4 inches is all i have got through so far, it's all i have to hold on to. below me is the laundy cart... this sounds like a movie but it's real i assure you. so wish me luck, it's get out or die, it will take two more weeks if i'm lucky. i will soon be gone like a pig in the sky, if they catch me i'd rather they kill me. but who am i to complain? i'm still alive after surviving this pain.
so send me a message, tell me am i wrong or right? at least i have hope to hold on to tonight.

6. deafening silence

nothing stirs around me, the other freaks are all asleep, the drip-drip of the bathroom pipe, sings a lilting song and weeps. lying on the damp cold bed, stripped naked by the white coats, nothing left for me to give, this poisoned soul has no antidote.
dawn creeps up behind my bed, no birds live here to sing, the light breathes life to this stone cold monster, summoned from hell to hold us in. i raise my head and view my room, a cage 2 by 2 by 3, another day to wonder why
you just don't want to talk to me

7. elegance

tap tap tap go fingernails tapping on the pipes and walls, i learned morse code and teach the other freaks of course, except keiran, but we send messages to her through the celestial plumbing
george is 42 and wants to die die die. his wife and his children all died in a fire. smelly elly likes her cats very much, she's great, she smells like a cat and her nose is like that, now she has no cats to purr or to scratch so we stroke her fur in break for her.
madimang was a model now she's dying inside, she gave up eating when they told her "you're fired". keiran used to tell us tales of love and lust and broken nails. me, the scarred girl who loves way too much. keiran let me sing her to sleep, my only friend in the world as such. but all good things must must end in the world, death comes for all of the beautiful girls.
i dug myself in this hole and i'm digging myself out. my finger can poke through the floor now. i filled the hole with spit-and-bread grout. my hands are bleeding, but i'm used to that. at least i've lost lots of weight it would take months to get out if i was fat. after that, i don't know. walk 100 miles in someone else's issues for awhile. find a ship to board and stow.

7. Do not read this

i don't know how but somebody knows so please press Back or Home or Close. was it you, did you tell? well you can go to fucking hell! go back to some happy place where your biggest concern is how fat you are after eating a junior cheeseburger, hack this page, remove it from the world, these words cannot change anything, they can not stop a physical falling thing. these words cannot make anyone cry or change their mind. they cannot set me free. cover it with your hand it's not worthy of your time. you're wasting your life, go do something else, go outside and say hello to an old lady,
go and live, do not die slowly in my hell with me.